When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
