Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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