Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
