I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
