Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
