I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize