Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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