I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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