Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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