I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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