Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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