he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
