Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
