You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
