I am puke
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
