he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
