I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
