Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
