I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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