just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
