The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
