the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
