A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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