I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
