Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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