He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
