What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
