i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
