my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
