He uses pillows to masturbate.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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