are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
