i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
we're so committed to being not committed
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
