My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
So here I am, sexting at work.
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