why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
