I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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