I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
vagina is talking i cant
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
