The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
