90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
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