Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
In America we eat man semen.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize