it's too hot outside to masturbate.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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