you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
