I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
