I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
