The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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