I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize