when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
