Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
