My balls are so social today.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
