Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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