I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
