new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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