Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize