I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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