hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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