I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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