Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
