I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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