Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
