on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
