the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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