I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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