You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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