Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
