Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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