Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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