Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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