I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
