remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
