I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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