There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
