Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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