so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize