There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
