I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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