You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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