In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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